Baggage

So I'm having guys issuse, but really they are issues with me and baggae from before. Almost none of my current friends have ever even met Jonathan so it's hard to explain him but I'll try. Jonathan was a complusive liar who was so gooda t lying he could convince himself one of his lies was the truth. Serioulsy there were stories that when I talked to the rest of the family they all said weren't the truth but he would not accept that it wasn't the truth. In the beginning I belived everything he said. Then I started to realize things weren't as good as he said and I started to not believe him. But I felt like I was too tied to him to just cut the crap so I stayed with him and kept hoping that just once it would be the truth. He also cheated on me the entire time I was pregnant and I finally caught him the day before Reese was born. Well we'll move to after Reese was born and I was finally done with it and knew I had to stop for Reese's sake. He still lies about everything and gets made when I call him out on it but I don't want to get sucked in again.

And this leads to my dating now. Ever since I started dating again (including last year) the fear of being lied to again has haunted me. Things got so bad with Jonathan that even little things I think are lies. If a guy says he'll call and doesn't I wonder if he's talking to someone else. If he has to change plans I wonder if he's telling me the real reason. I have always had low self confidence which adds to making it hard to belive a guy when he says nice things about me. I can tell one major difference between now and then. Back then I could tell when Jonathan was lying to me and just chose to ignore it. When I talk to the guy I'm dating now there is nothing that causes falgs. We have good conversations and talk about alot of things and have fun. But then I leave and later I start to doubt myself and wonder if things are as good as I think they are or am I fooling myself again.

I want to be trusting and I want to belive that someone does like me and someone does feel somehting for me. But I don't want to be gullible and let myself be walked over again.

This is one of the main reasons I'm not rushing onto anything because I want to make sure I know someone really well and help rebuild my trust. It's going to take lots more talking and lots more praying so that I will have the wisdom to make the right choices and trust myself. So I ask for you guys to pray for me and occasionally let me vent to you. However please don't get mad if I don't listen to you when I vent b/c sometimes my venting may be the scared side of me freaking out and in the end I over reacted.

Funny Reese story: I made pizza dip last night and I was reheating it for Reese for lunch today. She was sitting watching me reheat it and said "mommy you made pizza?" with a very excited look on her face. I said yes and she started clapping saying "I so proud of you"